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Humour - Flight Crew

Heard over Airline Speakers (Opps)

On a lengthy evening Air Canada Flight with a somewhat "senior" flight
attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for
your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
*******************
The Captain of an Air Canada flight inadvertently left the cabin
intercom on and transmitted for following message:
Does anybody have any idea what this switch does?
*******************
The United Airlines closing statement from the flight attendant always
included "Thanks for flying United. One flight attendant added a few words
"and congratulations for not getting caught"
*******************
 On a recent Air Canada flight the landing was quite rough and the
First Officer inadvertently transmitted the following to the cabin. "Jez
skipper, maybe you should try using both hands!"
*****************
Upon landing, a Westjet stewardess was heard to say: "Please be sure
to take all of your belongings. If your're going to leave anything, please make
sure its something we'd like to have."
*******************
Also from Westjet: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but
there are only 4 ways out of this airplane. So pay attention!"
*******************
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
*******************
As the Continental plane landed and was coming to a stop at La Guardia,
a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
*******************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as
hell everything has shifted."
*******************
From a Southwest Airlines flight crewmember: "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt;
and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised.
*******************
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child,
pick your favorite.
*******************
The captain's dulcet tones droned over the plane's speakers: "Weather
at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try
to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
*******************
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an
emergency water landing, please use them to paddle to shore and feel free to
take them home with our compliments."
*******************
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead
area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children or other adults acting like children."
*******************
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed equally amongst the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
*******************
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
*******************
Heard from a flight attendant on a Westjet Airlines flight just after
a very hard landing in Edmonton, Alberta: "That was quite a bump, and I know
what you're all thinking... I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault,
it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt."
******************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain
taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
*******************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
 *******************
A Canadian airline pilot wrote in his journal, a few years ago, that
on one particular flight due to strong crosswinds, he had unfortunately
hammered his ship onto the runway with a very hard greeting. The
airline had a policy, which required the first officer on the flight to stand at
the exit door while the passengers disembarked, to smile and repeat
"Thanks for flying our airline." His comments indicated that, in light
 of the poor landing, he avoided eye contact with the passengers in an
 attempt to avoid any smart comments that might result. Finally there
was only one little old lady left to exit the plane. Walking slowly up the
aisle with a cane, she approached the awaiting first officer and said, "Sir,
do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the
 pilot. "What is it?" "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
*****************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells
are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."
*******************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of U.S. Airways."
 *******************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After reaching a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The
weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax. OH, MY GOD!!!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on
the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a
cup of very hot coffee, which ended up spilling in my lap. You should see
the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing.You
should see the back of mine!!!

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